You wake up everyday with you head feeling like it’s about to explode. All the muscles seem to be filled with glue, they don’t react to your reflexes the way you want. The sun light pouring in feels like solid object, crushing you and you just feel like you want to cry. May be the welling tears would let off some of the glue in you muscles and you might achieve some kind of relief and move the way you used to in the good old days when you didn’t know how a strict authority crushes you. The restrictions in their excess did something to your neurons and now the entire brain is functioning to make you feel more miserable than you could bear.
This is what happens when we are depressed. I often struggle to learn the things I desire. But my methods of recall are not perfect. I just keep forgetting and try again from the start. Most of the time my entire body stays tensed, shoulders hunched as if discomfort makes me do that. After a lot of research I found out the cause of this and have been working my way to find a solution. You can’t fight yourself, neither can you find something which doesn’t exist in your knowledge base. It’s somewhat interesting to think how a powerful construct (our brain) can become self destructive. Positive thoughts feel like heavy objects, that reprogramming the self becomes a difficult thing. Especially when you are aware of the dysfunctions constantly running in you.
There are people who become aware of their breathing. Their jaws clench with suffocation, and the awareness works against the entire system causing a lack of oxygen, making them incapable of doing simple tasks because of the frustration and sadness caused by this entire episode. It’s not something you can get used to. To be among the normal people you have to fix it. That brings new complications. Our brains take in information. It never lets go any. If their is any physical tension then you wont be able to subside that loop of thought which is the source of the entire problem. I often used certain techniques to distract myself. Often focusing at 3 things simultaneously. But somehow the awareness reloads again, playing you in the same charade over and over.
Depression cripples the entire brain by firing neurons for wrong information. Things which you can’t bear because you are very sensitive. It opens doors for more miserable things. All the positivity goes out of the window. You get stuck in an endless loop churning your existence leading you to low self esteem. Suicidal thoughts echo side by side as their seems to be no hope of rescue. The negativity doesn’t allow you to believe if their is any exit from this self imprisonment. And that’s the reality of people suffering this modern epidemic. Tensed muscles sucking your energy at all times, panic attacks making things worse as you heart pounds and feels like it would tear off your ribcage and shoot out like a bullet, sweaty palms, cold hands and feet, discomfort around people, inability to mingle with people and many more uncomfortable things. You define yourself invisible and sit idle to pass this life which would probably take more than you can take it before you snap.
It makes you inept in recalling the great things you did in your life. It makes you forget small things of importance and you worry, that it might be Alzheimer. Ironic isn’t it? There is no way to snap out of it. Your personality gets stuck to the point where it all started. The scared child in strict environment, the person who lost the means of his/her definition. You just get stuck there and oblivious to that you crave to become normal like someone. Imitating their traits, becoming a personality thief. Unhappy all the time with a question. Why me?
But still, deep down you are the same person you have always been. Someone did smile because of you. Someone did want the special skill of your in their life. And many more achievements which could look small but help you realize that there is always a way out of it. Reach out for help, don’t just sit there. Search the internet for help. Go see a therapist. But most of all try harder to think positive. We are prone to make habits and negative thinking becomes a habit. You must realize that in a lot of places people aren’t even aware that they have depression, they are constantly blamed for lack of interest in anything and bullied because of it. No one gives a thought to understand them. Some choose narcotics to get a break, making things worse in turn. I keep trying to solve my situation with strong ideals I derived from my culture and morality. I try my best to keep my promises. It does help in boosting my willpower and defines me not just in my own image but in others as well. It’s unpleasant to begin with, but the loop must break. That’s the first step. Habits can be replaced by other habits, find a way to replace the negativity and make sure to share your tricks. There are a lot of us always looking for ways to break free from this prison.