An awkward letter to self 

Dear me,

I have no idea how to begin with this letter. I have no pre-planned context, whatever I am writing here is close to rambling. I have some things to clear though, a lot of which I don’t yet properly understand. We humans are this way, Oblivious at first, then aware about this oblivion later. Ironically never knowing ourselves properly. Sometimes it’s terrifying to think about the essence of things. We find ourselves, being processed in a dream, where we can’t properly recall the early memories and forget about everything near death. And you play a very important role there. 

It’s kind of funny, knowing that you are me, I use you for addressing myself. I guess it’s because of the contradiction you present with. I follow my interest and you counter me with reason. I often wonder why I acknowledged you in the first place. Was it because of a primal survival instinct, to put myself in a predator’s shoe like the crows do? Or is it because I was alone? We humans talk ourselves often, we rely on the second opinion for clarity. That empathy made us become social I believe. It’s fair to say that I am happy for having you.

But this also causes problems. I am often too lazy to listen to you, not because I am inherently lazy, it’s because I don’t agree with you. I follow my interest, like a bully I suppress you, which leaves me with nothing to do. I keep resisting you because I am afraid if I listen, I’ll be meaningless, I’ll be boring, doesn’t that show how unaware I am of this paradox. You and I create a personality built on contradiction and paradoxes. I blame myself for not listening to you, but you didn’t provide me with a non-threatening enlightenment either. The personality we made is often against us, because when I suppress you, I am running away from responsibilities, but when I do things without interest, I find this existence without color. I now know that this world is beyond the limits of instincts and pattern recognition, I have to be open to your suggestions as well. Reason and interest are often at odds with each other because this is a tough world we humans have developed. Our primal instinct for disliking things is not our mistake, it’s a hunter/prey psychology of millions of years. So you can see why it is difficult to follow reason. Reason breaks a delicate balance in our psyche, made of contradiction and paradox, stabilized by Interest, a state in comfort zone. We resist rapid change, for which we have gone at lengths to persecute people. You are a harbinger of rapid change, perhaps a final gift from nature, to take over our evolution away from nanatural selection. Who knows?But finally I am aware of the fact that I have to let you be in power in a perfect harmony with me. 

Please don’t be threatening in presenting Reason. I know you can do that. We share the same mind, and we know laziness and failure is a lack of understanding between us. If only we were in mutual agreement, things would have been a lot different, maybe awesome as well. There are a lot of people who are lead by Reason, they make great careers and change the world, although they seem boring at first. I have no interest in changing the world, as changing this personality for the better is hard enough already. So I am really sorry for being, you know, unreasonable. Please find a way to be in perfect harmony with me. My dearest me, I have great expectations from you.

________________

I am often struggling with Reason and Interest. I am a interest oriented person. Most of us are perhaps. My tasks are often abandoned midway, I even get hasty in thinking. We can’t solve problems related to necessity through Interest, at least not always, through reasoning we can solve every problem. So aware of this situation I often pretend to have such conversations with imaginary ‘me’. ‘Science-ing’ this problem recursively as science questions itself. I often learn cool things, it was an interesting insight to share with everyone. I hope this would resonate with you.