Always forgetting Names and Numbers

I always have a single combat with memory. I am not the only one though. Not being a good student during school days makes things worse for me, a lot of day dreaming is what I did during my school life. Visions of spaceflight, aliens, super cars, superheroes and many more things were always occupying my mind. When I was near the end of my school life I learned a very new thing, which actually made me look more of an idiot. I leaned how to learn. I also learned that what we are doing during studies is learning to identify things. Names and Quantities (I take Time as a quantity as well) are what everything is about and ironically most of us aren’t good at both. I kept learning and forgetting most of it the next day. That is when I realized that my life is going to suck because of this. Then began my never-ending search for a remedy to fix this Problem. The lyrical ‘Knowledge is power’ is true, specially if you know what knowledge you need, but if you forget most of it the next day then it’s a huge waste of time and you would end up with a job of physical labor with not a very good pay. I was never good in general, I am considered as slow, a below average person who hated reading, hated maths, hated history and arts (which includes almost everything) during school years discovered as a shock that one needs all of that to some extent for a better life. The bad habits which I perfected over the decade was now a personality and a focused strong-willed mind was a wishful thinking for me. I saw a genuinely born inferior person in the mirror who would have been eaten by a predator if not for the presence of a human civilization. Problems came at me, and I failed at all of them making myself more miserable over time.
English is not my first language, it has a western glamour attached to it specially if you know the American accent, or the sexy British one. I thought about learning English through the school method, to add some glitter on my overly dull personality and probably get some recognition, I regretted it instantly, as I couldn’t remember it all. The approach to language learning is still wrong in our education system world-wide I believe. I finally resorted to dabble myself in the culture of English speakers, but since I wasn’t able to go there, I could only do the initiation with cartoons and movies and books. It took years, but now I make sense most of the time. My lameness had no end and I wasted the coming decade in day dreaming for a better life and not touching a single book. The same faces were around me, same kind of conversations, nothing new ever came, no revelation, no peek at the world, nothing at all. I was living in a bubble of my own demise. I wanted to be a story-teller, how could I if I don’t know the language at its core? Then I thought, if I read how people write then I can learn that style as they would write the way they generally speak, in fact that is even better because people give more thought to what they write. I started books, novels first then other random books about all kind of subjects. Then I realized that everything I read, the knowledge which I want is centered around something all the time (Yup! Socrates’ analogy of the cave people suits me, I understood shadows instead of reality). A central topic with a name of some number attached to identify some attribute about it. I also found out I was not good at abstract subject matters. I lack the capability to perceive the intangible.

Everyone has different process of perception, the way we perceive the world depends on our memory and our memories evolve better according to our perception. We are still armed with predatory instincts. Often time we are hostile or defensive when we meet someone new and I think this minute and innocent looking feature of ours is the cause for disagreements globally and cause for wars and conflicts world-wide. Small things decide the big things, just like weak gravity creates a Singularity. There was a very small thing missing in my knowledge repository, with awareness that we perceive only the fraction of the whole and that each observation has different interpretation according to our state of mind I was both hopeful and terrified about the prospect of finding a way to understand the process of remembering things. Language as an Identification and Imitation Protocol can do wonders when done write. The best approach was using analogy.

Analogy is natures tool of progress. How cells decided to form colonies making multi-cellular beings, such as us, with only the capability to perceive threat and food in close proximity is amazing. It is a necessity for complexity, for creating unimaginable beauties using limited building blocks. This Universe is so vast and unknown that it shadows the ‘Purpose‘ with absolute perfection. And realizing how insignificant we are compared to the cosmic scale, it is better we all have our own purpose in life. That is how awesome civilizations and cultures are made. Analogy can be seen everywhere, because the universe is decentralized, which lets insignificant things have a unique identity. From fractals to how DNA mutates. The amazing thing is how nature is an instruction itself to create nature, and this rhythmic process recursively keeps on going, creating things beyond us, even with self similarity. Memory needs an analogy by becoming an analogy itself, an instruction to encode itself. The trick was to find a way to link what we perceive and what we learn to make an experience. And if the experience can be explained as the same experience, mission accomplished. I did succeed somewhat, now I remembered dates well, numbers in general, I even learned how to manipulate absolutely intangible abstract ideas. It was like I just discovered how to do philosophy. ‘Chomsky’s’ Universal Language does work if you know the ‘how to?’ of it to some extent. I still don’t have a proper block for perceiving names, it’s not easy to do when you read about people without knowing somethings about them, face being the important thing, and resort to allotting a similar image to most identities. Reading novels rich with characters and distinct personalities help with that. I think this is the reason we are so fond of stories. They help us improve our perception about people, places and cultures, they help us identify them and in turn identify ourselves with them. So if you aren’t good at names and numbers, don’t be too critical about that moving towards bashing your useless head. Our mind learns how to acquire information efficiently according to our likes and dislikes, all we need is to understand that and the link will form automatically leading to an experience.

Again, this is my personal experience, my desperate search for an efficient memory to remember things. We all are different, what I mentioned here can entirely be wrong for you. I hope you enjoyed this post. Thank you for your time.

An awkward letter to self 

Dear me,

I have no idea how to begin with this letter. I have no pre-planned context, whatever I am writing here is close to rambling. I have some things to clear though, a lot of which I don’t yet properly understand. We humans are this way, Oblivious at first, then aware about this oblivion later. Ironically never knowing ourselves properly. Sometimes it’s terrifying to think about the essence of things. We find ourselves, being processed in a dream, where we can’t properly recall the early memories and forget about everything near death. And you play a very important role there. 

It’s kind of funny, knowing that you are me, I use you for addressing myself. I guess it’s because of the contradiction you present with. I follow my interest and you counter me with reason. I often wonder why I acknowledged you in the first place. Was it because of a primal survival instinct, to put myself in a predator’s shoe like the crows do? Or is it because I was alone? We humans talk ourselves often, we rely on the second opinion for clarity. That empathy made us become social I believe. It’s fair to say that I am happy for having you.

But this also causes problems. I am often too lazy to listen to you, not because I am inherently lazy, it’s because I don’t agree with you. I follow my interest, like a bully I suppress you, which leaves me with nothing to do. I keep resisting you because I am afraid if I listen, I’ll be meaningless, I’ll be boring, doesn’t that show how unaware I am of this paradox. You and I create a personality built on contradiction and paradoxes. I blame myself for not listening to you, but you didn’t provide me with a non-threatening enlightenment either. The personality we made is often against us, because when I suppress you, I am running away from responsibilities, but when I do things without interest, I find this existence without color. I now know that this world is beyond the limits of instincts and pattern recognition, I have to be open to your suggestions as well. Reason and interest are often at odds with each other because this is a tough world we humans have developed. Our primal instinct for disliking things is not our mistake, it’s a hunter/prey psychology of millions of years. So you can see why it is difficult to follow reason. Reason breaks a delicate balance in our psyche, made of contradiction and paradox, stabilized by Interest, a state in comfort zone. We resist rapid change, for which we have gone at lengths to persecute people. You are a harbinger of rapid change, perhaps a final gift from nature, to take over our evolution away from nanatural selection. Who knows?But finally I am aware of the fact that I have to let you be in power in a perfect harmony with me. 

Please don’t be threatening in presenting Reason. I know you can do that. We share the same mind, and we know laziness and failure is a lack of understanding between us. If only we were in mutual agreement, things would have been a lot different, maybe awesome as well. There are a lot of people who are lead by Reason, they make great careers and change the world, although they seem boring at first. I have no interest in changing the world, as changing this personality for the better is hard enough already. So I am really sorry for being, you know, unreasonable. Please find a way to be in perfect harmony with me. My dearest me, I have great expectations from you.

________________

I am often struggling with Reason and Interest. I am a interest oriented person. Most of us are perhaps. My tasks are often abandoned midway, I even get hasty in thinking. We can’t solve problems related to necessity through Interest, at least not always, through reasoning we can solve every problem. So aware of this situation I often pretend to have such conversations with imaginary ‘me’. ‘Science-ing’ this problem recursively as science questions itself. I often learn cool things, it was an interesting insight to share with everyone. I hope this would resonate with you. 

What to do when you can’t find closure?

If you ask anyone about it, they mostly say, “move on”, “let it go” etc. and you know it’s easier said than done. Those unanswered questions, they always stay fresh, like termites borrowing deep inside wood. In our unrest we become cold and repulsive, and that’s when misunderstandings grow even more. Slowly the history of violence against you fades away. Everyday there’s something new questions pops up and the list of closure increases. Often some of us snap and take extreme steps. You know what I mean. We actually live the kind of a biblical hell, which is a part of mythology. Getting punished for attempting to find some form closure, for expecting understanding.

We humans are often very cruel. We realize it after being victimized. I’m not saying we reap what we sow thing. I mean in general. We are cruel because we know what pain is and often inflict it on others. The worst one we get from the ones we love and trust. It breaks us, takes our will to live, it’s actually similar to being eaten alive. Soon the effects of that sorrow become visible. Altering our brain structure as well. It keeps getting worse day by day.

In our lives we have been rejected, taken for granted, ridiculed, bullied, abused, picked on, disrespected, ignored, left for dead (sort of), forgotten, etc. The list will grow depending on person to person. If it were someone else doing some of the things mentioned, we might find courage some times, with the help of our loved ones, to forget all that and move on to live a healthy and happy life. The nightmare becomes real when our loved ones take that dark turn. I know I am being specific here, I could be wrong. Fire burns you when you get close to it. I have my fair share of questions waiting for some form of closure. My point is it hurts more when our faith is broken, when we are treated like things, specially by someone really important to us. And when they don’t give any explanation, it hurts more.

So how do we find closure from places we can’t find closure? There’s no such thing as justice, sometimes, injustice is rampant. What could we do when we are taken as a villain by everyone, even if it’s not our fault? We all know, we often never get answers. And being irrational creates problem. It’s not easy to quell the anger as well. But that’s the first thing we have to deal with. Alot of things I’ll say here which are easier said than done, I believe it’s for the best, worse also as it becomes an arena of sorts, where we face the survival of the fittest scenario.

Don’t let others definitions alter your own true version. Bad things will happen and being emotionally charged all the time won’t help. Don’t let people get to you. But don’t just stand as well. Respond with wits and goodwill. If they call you bad things, try to  respond without hatred. It’s not easy, doesn’t work often, but with practice it becomes a part of you. You might have heard “Think before you speak.” That’s your first step. Respond with clever things.

Anger actually isn’t bad, it helps you vent out bad things if used with mindful and controlled ways. Anger is an ancient response, to keep you focused on the most important thing that matters to you at that moment, be it survival or struggle. But anger does make you somewhat irrational. It depends person to person though. I used to break things, didn’t help. So when you are angry try to hold still, don’t let your logic and reason fly away. Again it’s not easy, but you can do it by trying to think something good, by trying to distract yourself, use a punching bag if you like, vent it out reasonably. If it’s towards a person and if that person is with you, don’t explode, “Think before you speak” or act. It will take time to become your natural response, don’t give up, even if you failed.

Patience is what we loose more, but it’s not something inherent unfortunately, it’s a behavior we forcefully exhibit. I may be wrong, for me patience is an infinite endurance, one which makes you formidable gradually.

So far I have shared the clichéd solutions with you, believe it or not, it’s the only way, or some sort of chemical reaction in your brain, which could happen, miracle stuff.

The most important thing is a positive attitude. If receiving closure becomes impractical then chances are you possess a negative attitude towards everything about your own self. That is the most subtle and dangerous thing which happens. You must realize, that you can’t achieve positivity by practicing good things in a negative mindset. Giving up, too much self criticism, inferiority complex won’t let you go, no matter how much you try. You didn’t get closure, it’s alright, you aren’t alone, if you did something bad you have been punished, don’t do it to yourself anymore, if you felt guilt, you gave respect to your victims, if you are misunderstood then chances are you tried talking, if it didn’t work then don’t beat yourself for it. May be it’s not the right time. And if you are being denied then you shouldn’t get stuck there. I’ve been there, am now as well, but I have realized, that the only person who could give me psychological harm is I am myself.

If you have found closure then you are lucky, if you didn’t, you aren’t unfortunate. Don’t let it alter your belief in you own. Believe in yourself, every emotion you have matters. You will realize it someday, that you do matter, it’s just you don’t always get to see or feel it your way. So if you fall, it’s ok, try again. Always stay connected to yourself. It’s not easy, it’s not at all easy, but it’s the only way. The closure you didn’t find elsewhere, you can find in yourself and in your beliefs. I wish you the best. One of these days we’ll make it and hopefully live the life we deserve.

Thoughts on Depression

You wake up everyday with you head feeling like it’s about to explode. All the muscles seem to be filled with glue, they don’t react to your reflexes the way you want. The sun light pouring in feels like solid object, crushing you and you just feel like you want to cry. May be the welling tears would let off some of the glue in you muscles and you might achieve some kind of relief and move the way you used to in the good old days when you didn’t know how a strict authority crushes you. The restrictions in their excess did something to your neurons and now the entire brain is functioning to make you feel more miserable than you could bear.

This is what happens when we are depressed. I often struggle to learn the things I desire. But my methods of recall are not perfect. I just keep forgetting and try again from the start. Most of the time my entire body stays tensed, shoulders hunched as if discomfort makes me do that. After a lot of research I found out the cause of this and have been working my way to find a solution. You can’t fight yourself, neither can you find something which doesn’t exist in your knowledge base. It’s somewhat interesting to think how a powerful construct (our brain) can become self destructive. Positive thoughts feel like heavy objects, that reprogramming the self becomes a difficult thing. Especially when you are aware of the dysfunctions constantly running in you.

There are people who become aware of their breathing. Their jaws clench with suffocation, and the awareness works against the entire system causing a lack of oxygen, making them incapable of doing simple tasks because of the frustration and sadness caused by this entire episode. It’s not something you can get used to. To be among the normal people you have to fix it. That brings new complications. Our brains take in information. It never lets go any. If their is any physical tension then you wont be able to subside that loop of thought which is the source of the entire problem. I often used certain techniques to distract myself. Often focusing at 3 things simultaneously. But somehow the awareness reloads again, playing you in the same charade over and over.

Depression cripples the entire brain by firing neurons for wrong information. Things which you can’t bear because you are very sensitive. It opens doors for more miserable things. All the positivity goes out of the window. You get stuck in an endless loop churning your existence leading you to low self esteem. Suicidal thoughts echo side by side as their seems to be no hope of rescue. The negativity doesn’t allow you to believe if their is any exit from this self imprisonment. And that’s the reality of people suffering this modern epidemic. Tensed muscles sucking your energy at all times, panic attacks making things worse as you heart pounds and feels like it would tear off your ribcage and shoot out like a bullet, sweaty palms, cold hands and feet, discomfort around people, inability to mingle with people and many more uncomfortable things. You define yourself invisible and sit idle to pass this life which would probably take more than you can take it before you snap.

It makes you inept in recalling the great things you did in your life. It makes you forget small things of importance and you worry, that it might be Alzheimer. Ironic isn’t it? There is no way to snap out of it. Your personality gets stuck to the point where it all started. The scared child in strict environment, the person who lost the means of his/her definition. You just get stuck there and oblivious to that you crave to become normal like someone. Imitating their traits, becoming a personality thief. Unhappy all the time with a question. Why me?

But still, deep down you are the same person you have always been. Someone did smile because of you. Someone did want the special skill of your in their life. And many more achievements which could look small but help you realize that there is always a way out of it. Reach out for help, don’t just sit there. Search the internet for help. Go see a therapist. But most of all try harder to think positive. We are prone to make habits and negative thinking becomes a habit. You must realize that in a lot of places people aren’t even aware that they have depression, they are constantly blamed for lack of interest in anything and bullied because of it. No one gives a thought to understand them. Some choose narcotics to get a break, making things worse in turn. I keep trying to solve my situation with strong ideals I derived from my culture and morality. I try my best to keep my promises. It does help in boosting my willpower and defines me not just in my own image but in others as well. It’s unpleasant to begin with, but the loop must break. That’s the first step. Habits can be replaced by other habits, find a way to replace the negativity and make sure to share your tricks. There are a lot of us always looking for ways to break free from this prison.