Cosmic horrors of our world

I’m an avid reader of stories themed around cosmic horror, where our existence is so insignificant, that it doesn’t matter if anything unthinkable happens to us. That always makes me wonder about some form of justice to provide some closure, unfortunately, there isn’t one. The most unthinkable deeds are a design of humans, incidents which violate us emotionally, make us feel ashamed and helpless to be aware that there was nothing we could do.

Disclaimer : What I’m writing here is not meant to hurt anyone, it’s not in any manner intended as a mockery or insults, these are my feelings which I’m sharing. I apologize if you feel bad reading this post.

India has a serious problem, it stems from old beliefs which are not in anyway fit to go along with progress. On the social media my nation does not have a good reputation. Millions of hard working people are putting their utmost to build a nation, hoping that they would set an example, that through sheer will and dedication anything can be achieved. But it takes only a handful to tarnish that hard work. Puts a bad name to an entire nation, its people and its culture, a place which was culturally open to the world ages gone by.

For a girl, there might be unknown monsters lurking behind any face, she can never know who it would be. There’s the cosmic horror when some sick excuse of a human being robs her of her dignity and cowardly scars her in more horrific ways both mentally and physically.

For an innocent child this gets even more chilling, when a stranger or even a known face can become a death of the child’s innocence. As a father, I’m somewhat guilt ridden to bring my child into this word. Once I had a nightmare that I lost her, I was trying to search for her everywhere, I woke up emotionally broken, cried with relief when I found her sleeping soundly. I held her hand, looked after her all night, scared that if I sleep the nightmare would haunt me again.

What I felt that night is only a fraction those parents, who face the pain of such immense loss everyday, whose children have become prey to some monsters. But I realized, I can only survive the nightmare, I can’t face such an injustice towards my child, my wife, my sister, my parents or any of my loved ones. But I know, that my daughter might have a difficult world when I’ll not be there.

It’s not a question of why those humans can’t control their urges, stopping themselves from crossing the thin line of becoming an agent of cosmic horror. The better one is why they come to the edge in the first place? The answer lies in very simple beliefs. Beliefs which are needed to go away. Belief that law is only maintained by police or courts of law in the first place, instead of believing that law is enforced by civil people. And it’s not easy to be civil. That is an empathy which needs to be seeded during the early ages.

In todays world it is enough for a girl to be just a girl, she has to be both, a girl and a boy, in her mind, same thing applies to a boys as well. One needs the sight and perspective of the other. That’s how a civil society is seeded where gender is not a classification, rather a resource towards something greater.

Today in the news I read about a tribal man being murdered by civil people, he was beaten because a sick mob thought it’s fine to harm that person, what he did was steal food, in a country where food is a basic right, ironic. Imagine what went through his mind. It breaks my heart only to imagine a fraction of it. The loneliness, degradation, disrespectful, humiliation and constant fear of what would happen next, while one of the depraved and sick person took a selfie with the victim. He died painfully, whats even more heartbreaking is that he might have been hungry, but he vomited before collapsing, he had to throw up before his death. All this because of something so insignificant, which can easily be overlooked and probably dealt with kindness and help. He’ll never get justice for the crimes against him. It doesn’t matter what he was, he didn’t deserve what happened to him.

This is not what civil people do, they don’t rape women thinking they are objects of pleasure and weak to prey upon, they don’t harm innocent children and they don’t perform a sick act of mob lynching.

We are going to leave a broken world to our children, they’ll unjustly pay for our sins. Makes me wonder, if the authors of cosmic horror genre used humans to create their monsters, Lovecraft somewhat did with his racial bias, and he did it very well. And when you realize that the monsters do lurk in humans, all you could do is feel ashamed and insignificant, there is just no closure.

It’s going to take thousands of years for us humans to accept the simplest of things, strong empathy, which seems to be running on trial version in our minds, but those of us who have it do cry helplessly, seeing this world getting out of control and into the hands of hopeless madness.

I just wanted to share my feelings, because the news these days makes me sad and worry alot. Please be safe and look after your loved ones. Again I apologize if my post hurts you in anyway.


Always forgetting Names and Numbers

I always have a single combat with memory. I am not the only one though. Not being a good student during school days makes things worse for me, a lot of day dreaming is what I did during my school life. Visions of spaceflight, aliens, super cars, superheroes and many more things were always occupying my mind. When I was near the end of my school life I learned a very new thing, which actually made me look more of an idiot. I leaned how to learn. I also learned that what we are doing during studies is learning to identify things. Names and Quantities (I take Time as a quantity as well) are what everything is about and ironically most of us aren’t good at both. I kept learning and forgetting most of it the next day. That is when I realized that my life is going to suck because of this. Then began my never-ending search for a remedy to fix this Problem. The lyrical ‘Knowledge is power’ is true, specially if you know what knowledge you need, but if you forget most of it the next day then it’s a huge waste of time and you would end up with a job of physical labor with not a very good pay. I was never good in general, I am considered as slow, a below average person who hated reading, hated maths, hated history and arts (which includes almost everything) during school years discovered as a shock that one needs all of that to some extent for a better life. The bad habits which I perfected over the decade was now a personality and a focused strong-willed mind was a wishful thinking for me. I saw a genuinely born inferior person in the mirror who would have been eaten by a predator if not for the presence of a human civilization. Problems came at me, and I failed at all of them making myself more miserable over time.
English is not my first language, it has a western glamour attached to it specially if you know the American accent, or the sexy British one. I thought about learning English through the school method, to add some glitter on my overly dull personality and probably get some recognition, I regretted it instantly, as I couldn’t remember it all. The approach to language learning is still wrong in our education system world-wide I believe. I finally resorted to dabble myself in the culture of English speakers, but since I wasn’t able to go there, I could only do the initiation with cartoons and movies and books. It took years, but now I make sense most of the time. My lameness had no end and I wasted the coming decade in day dreaming for a better life and not touching a single book. The same faces were around me, same kind of conversations, nothing new ever came, no revelation, no peek at the world, nothing at all. I was living in a bubble of my own demise. I wanted to be a story-teller, how could I if I don’t know the language at its core? Then I thought, if I read how people write then I can learn that style as they would write the way they generally speak, in fact that is even better because people give more thought to what they write. I started books, novels first then other random books about all kind of subjects. Then I realized that everything I read, the knowledge which I want is centered around something all the time (Yup! Socrates’ analogy of the cave people suits me, I understood shadows instead of reality). A central topic with a name of some number attached to identify some attribute about it. I also found out I was not good at abstract subject matters. I lack the capability to perceive the intangible.

Everyone has different process of perception, the way we perceive the world depends on our memory and our memories evolve better according to our perception. We are still armed with predatory instincts. Often time we are hostile or defensive when we meet someone new and I think this minute and innocent looking feature of ours is the cause for disagreements globally and cause for wars and conflicts world-wide. Small things decide the big things, just like weak gravity creates a Singularity. There was a very small thing missing in my knowledge repository, with awareness that we perceive only the fraction of the whole and that each observation has different interpretation according to our state of mind I was both hopeful and terrified about the prospect of finding a way to understand the process of remembering things. Language as an Identification and Imitation Protocol can do wonders when done write. The best approach was using analogy.

Analogy is natures tool of progress. How cells decided to form colonies making multi-cellular beings, such as us, with only the capability to perceive threat and food in close proximity is amazing. It is a necessity for complexity, for creating unimaginable beauties using limited building blocks. This Universe is so vast and unknown that it shadows the ‘Purpose‘ with absolute perfection. And realizing how insignificant we are compared to the cosmic scale, it is better we all have our own purpose in life. That is how awesome civilizations and cultures are made. Analogy can be seen everywhere, because the universe is decentralized, which lets insignificant things have a unique identity. From fractals to how DNA mutates. The amazing thing is how nature is an instruction itself to create nature, and this rhythmic process recursively keeps on going, creating things beyond us, even with self similarity. Memory needs an analogy by becoming an analogy itself, an instruction to encode itself. The trick was to find a way to link what we perceive and what we learn to make an experience. And if the experience can be explained as the same experience, mission accomplished. I did succeed somewhat, now I remembered dates well, numbers in general, I even learned how to manipulate absolutely intangible abstract ideas. It was like I just discovered how to do philosophy. ‘Chomsky’s’ Universal Language does work if you know the ‘how to?’ of it to some extent. I still don’t have a proper block for perceiving names, it’s not easy to do when you read about people without knowing somethings about them, face being the important thing, and resort to allotting a similar image to most identities. Reading novels rich with characters and distinct personalities help with that. I think this is the reason we are so fond of stories. They help us improve our perception about people, places and cultures, they help us identify them and in turn identify ourselves with them. So if you aren’t good at names and numbers, don’t be too critical about that moving towards bashing your useless head. Our mind learns how to acquire information efficiently according to our likes and dislikes, all we need is to understand that and the link will form automatically leading to an experience.

Again, this is my personal experience, my desperate search for an efficient memory to remember things. We all are different, what I mentioned here can entirely be wrong for you. I hope you enjoyed this post. Thank you for your time.

An awkward letter to self 

Dear me,

I have no idea how to begin with this letter. I have no pre-planned context, whatever I am writing here is close to rambling. I have some things to clear though, a lot of which I don’t yet properly understand. We humans are this way, Oblivious at first, then aware about this oblivion later. Ironically never knowing ourselves properly. Sometimes it’s terrifying to think about the essence of things. We find ourselves, being processed in a dream, where we can’t properly recall the early memories and forget about everything near death. And you play a very important role there. 

It’s kind of funny, knowing that you are me, I use you for addressing myself. I guess it’s because of the contradiction you present with. I follow my interest and you counter me with reason. I often wonder why I acknowledged you in the first place. Was it because of a primal survival instinct, to put myself in a predator’s shoe like the crows do? Or is it because I was alone? We humans talk ourselves often, we rely on the second opinion for clarity. That empathy made us become social I believe. It’s fair to say that I am happy for having you.

But this also causes problems. I am often too lazy to listen to you, not because I am inherently lazy, it’s because I don’t agree with you. I follow my interest, like a bully I suppress you, which leaves me with nothing to do. I keep resisting you because I am afraid if I listen, I’ll be meaningless, I’ll be boring, doesn’t that show how unaware I am of this paradox. You and I create a personality built on contradiction and paradoxes. I blame myself for not listening to you, but you didn’t provide me with a non-threatening enlightenment either. The personality we made is often against us, because when I suppress you, I am running away from responsibilities, but when I do things without interest, I find this existence without color. I now know that this world is beyond the limits of instincts and pattern recognition, I have to be open to your suggestions as well. Reason and interest are often at odds with each other because this is a tough world we humans have developed. Our primal instinct for disliking things is not our mistake, it’s a hunter/prey psychology of millions of years. So you can see why it is difficult to follow reason. Reason breaks a delicate balance in our psyche, made of contradiction and paradox, stabilized by Interest, a state in comfort zone. We resist rapid change, for which we have gone at lengths to persecute people. You are a harbinger of rapid change, perhaps a final gift from nature, to take over our evolution away from nanatural selection. Who knows?But finally I am aware of the fact that I have to let you be in power in a perfect harmony with me. 

Please don’t be threatening in presenting Reason. I know you can do that. We share the same mind, and we know laziness and failure is a lack of understanding between us. If only we were in mutual agreement, things would have been a lot different, maybe awesome as well. There are a lot of people who are lead by Reason, they make great careers and change the world, although they seem boring at first. I have no interest in changing the world, as changing this personality for the better is hard enough already. So I am really sorry for being, you know, unreasonable. Please find a way to be in perfect harmony with me. My dearest me, I have great expectations from you.


I am often struggling with Reason and Interest. I am a interest oriented person. Most of us are perhaps. My tasks are often abandoned midway, I even get hasty in thinking. We can’t solve problems related to necessity through Interest, at least not always, through reasoning we can solve every problem. So aware of this situation I often pretend to have such conversations with imaginary ‘me’. ‘Science-ing’ this problem recursively as science questions itself. I often learn cool things, it was an interesting insight to share with everyone. I hope this would resonate with you.